It’s that time of year again. It’s time for my annual visit to my doctor. Woot!
Okay, actually I totally dread going to the doctor. It’s just so embarrassing. No, it’s not the pap smear or the “Relax, this is going to be cold,” portion of the visit that I dread. And I can deal with the boob squeeze in the name of making sure I don’t have cancer. I just can’t deal with being that vulnerable to someone who isn’t my spouse. Because no matter what, every time my feet are in the stirrups, something completely blush-worthy seems to come out of my mouth.
So after years of going to the same doctor, I finally confessed to feeling mortified every time I’m there. My doctor’s response, “If you only knew….” Turns out, my most embarrassing stories and questions (and probably yours) are being topped by someone else. Maybe it’s the nature of the visit, but we’re all probably in for a lifetime of embarrassing ob-gyn visits. That’s because we have to say things like:
1. “I lost a tampon inside my vagina.” Full disclaimer, I had to say this. I just couldn’t quite remember if I was still wearing a tampon and then I put another one in. And well, you get the picture. I literally lost a tampon inside my own self. Explaining that to my ob-gyn was one of the most embarassing moments of my life. Don’t worry, I found it.
2. “I can’t remember when I had my last period.” Whenever the nurse practitioner asks, “When was your last period?” I have to do more math than the guy who runs the Federal Reserve. The look on my face always screams, “Is this a trick question?” I’m sure the nurse is thinking, “How do you not know this?” I do know. I just need a few minutes to remember.
3. “I’m worried that my husband’s penis can touch my IUD.” I couldn’t help but wonder whether my ob-gyn was thinking, “How big is your husband’s penis?” Plus, talking about your sex life is excruciating, even if the person you’re talking about it with is your doctor.
4. “Sorry, I haven’t waxed in a while.” I can’t be the only one who is more likely to wax for my ob-gyn than for my husband, right?! But, there are those times when I’m just too busy for a wax before my doctor’s appointment and then I feel the need to apologise to my doctor for things being a little mangy down below.
5. “I’m a little gassy.” I always worry that I’ll be the patient my doctor goes home and talks about with his wife. Passing wind while being examined could ensure that embarrassing place in medical history. But between the doctor pressing on your stomach, the position of your feet in stirrups, and just the reality of life post-childbirth, it’s totally possible.
6. “Is everything normal down there?” I can’t be the only person who is curious if her lady-parts look the same as everyone else’s. Though the only thing more mortifying than asking is your doctor answering, “No, yours looks different.!” OMG! I’d die.
7. “I wasn’t sure if the gown opened in the front or back.” I’m always so flustered and nervous at the ob-gyn that I never really pay attention to the nurse’s instructions when she tells me which way that gown goes. And even though my doctor is about to do a very intimate exam, I don’t want to be the gal waiting for him with my boobs hanging out of the gown if the opening was in fact supposed to be in the back. Happens every time!
8. “My birth control pill is making sex no fun.” It’s not a big secret that this common form of birth control can affect your sex life by lowering your sex drive. But still, it’s pretty embarrassing to have to discuss it with your doctor. Or so I’ve heard.
Did I miss anything? Feel free to add it to the comments section!
Graphic: Meredith Gordon