The Mummy Metamorphosis

altWaking up

BEFORE: The alarm goes off at 7:45 a.m. You press snooze, snuggle back under the covers with your hubby, and drift back off to sleep.

AFTER: The alarm goes off (i.e. your baby is shrieking in the crib, co-sleeper, Moses basket, etc.) at 2:30 a.m. You peer at the clock as you catapult out of bed and can’t believe this is already the sixth time you’ve been up so far that night.


BEFORE: You amble into the kitchen bleary-eyed and feel refreshed only after you’ve tasted that first hot cup of Joe.

AFTER: You stumble into the kitchen bleary-eyed and never wake up all day (thanks to Satan’s most diabolical creation—decaf coffee).

Getting Dressed

BEFORE: You pull on your brand new camel-colored Bebe suit and spend several minutes leisurely admiring yourself in the mirror before you spend another 45 minutes doing your hair and makeup.

AFTER: You roll out of bed in the same pair of sweats that you’ve been wearing all week and which is now permanently molded to your size XL fanny. You attempt to brush your teeth while breastfeeding and using the toilet simultaneously. After dropping your toothbrush accidentally in the toilet, you make the wise decision not to look in the mirror and tighten up that ponytail you’ve been sporting since Monday. Who says winning the Guinness Book of World Record’s greasiest pony is not a high honor?

Talking on the Phone

BEFORE: Your best friend calls mid-morning to catch up. You decide to take a break and spend the next 20 minutes chatting while sipping on a delicious Chai Latte.

AFTER: You mum calls for the twelfth time in two weeks and you know that you are going to have to pick up before she sends the cops over for a Wellness Check. While you are attempting to have a coherent conversation, your young children wisely demand chocolate bars, marshmallows, and TV. Your nursing baby senses that you are not focused exclusively on her and bites your nipple firmly to reorient you. The dog also recognises your distraction and uses this opportunity to chew up all your mail and then vomit it back up all over your freshly cleaned (oh who are we kidding … permanently stained) carpet. You hang up the phone right as your two-year-old heads over to investigate the situation. Bye Mum. Let’s talk again next year, K?

Preparing Dinner

BEFORE: You spend 45 minutes on the Internet searching for tantalizing new recipes with which you plan to impress your spouse. You spend another 45 minutes strolling through Whole Foods while picking out the perfect gourmet ingredients. While cooking dinner, you multitask by chatting on the phone with your sister and determining answers to critical questions like, “What is the right age to get Botox?” and “Do skinny jeans look right with Ugg Boots?

AFTER: You spend one minute frantically searching your cabinets and refrigerator for anything that looks semi-edible. You spend another thirty minutes attempting to detach your two-year-old from your lower thigh. Screaming ensues, as well as urgent demands to nurse, play hide-and-seek, and eat chocolate chip pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse. You give up and decide to order take-out from the only place in town that doesn’t know you on a first-name basis. Yet.


BEFORE: After cuddling on the couch and watching your favourite HBO series together, you and your husband decide to go to bed. You change into your slinky new lingerie, brush your teeth, turn out the light, have sex, and fall asleep.

AFTER: After marathon nursing your infant for two and a half hours on the couch while your husband grills you about whether you are ever going to have sex again, you finally get the baby to fall asleep and gently creep down the hall. Carefully, you place the baby face-up in the crib. But before you tiptoe out of the room, you stand there for no less than ten minutes admiring your beautiful little bundle, watching how he curls his legs up like a frog and how his puckered lips are still moving just slightly while dream-nursing. And you wonder quietly to yourself how something so small can change your whole life so much.