I lost my sex drive somewhere around the early stages of morning sickness back in 2015 when we learned we were expecting our second baby. There were foggy days of vomiting and fatigue, followed by the early bedtimes with a spew bowl and some dry crackers in hand. Everything about those first few months of pregnancy was unsexy, unattractive, and oh-so sensitive.
Where was my healthy, vibrant, “I’m pregnant, look how dewy I am” look? My cheeks were glowing red from burst skin capillaries from all the vomiting and the bags under my eyes were as dark as night. No wonder my sex drive drove away. I’m pretty sure my husband’s was driving away in the passenger seat, too; I was quite the sight.
My husband made a possible sighting of my missing sex drive a few months later. After making ‘MISSING’ posters — with bribes of “REWARD OFFERED FOR SAFE DELIVERY HOME” — a glimpse of hope surfaced and my libido and I briefly crossed paths. Unfortunately, it didn’t hang around for long. My cankles, puffy face, and 66-pound weight gain sucked all the lust right out of me.
Pregnancy is a beautiful, miraculous thing, it really is. But the very thing that caused the pregnancy was the very last thing I wanted to be doing during those long uncomfortable days of the third trimester. And while my husband searched lovingly for this missing part of our life, I was too distracted to notice.
A few months on and our baby boy was born. I dropped 37 pounds in two days — I felt as light as a feather and on top of the world. Having a newborn around created this euphoric bubble of happiness. My husband and I fell in love all over again — so proud of what we’d created. But sex was the last thing on my mind or my to-do list. Sex was bitterly put to the side by colic-fuelled screams, hourly feeding sessions, cracked nipples, sleepless nights, diaper changes, a flabby tummy, and severe uterus cramping.
Fast forward a year and a bit on, two small kids in tow, and we’re still playing an up and down game (literally) trying to find our groove (literally) and some semblance of my libido. Between ballet lessons, the toddler gym, preparing snacks and meals, playdates, sleepless nights, piles of laundry, cleaning up messes, preparing more snacks and meals, cleaning up more messes, combating more sleepless nights, and then trying to squeeze in some work, to pay the bills, my libido is fighting for attention. It so badly wants to get the attention it needs, and probably deserves, but I still can’t help but scream, “Has anyone seen my sex drive?”
I think back to our child-free days. How spontaneous and energetic we were. Anywhere, anytime; sex was there for the taking. Two love birds wild and crazily in love. We couldn’t get enough of each other. And hey, don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret becoming a parent. I love being a mother. Overall, I feel that I am right where I should be in my life — playing home, loving kids, and giving them the best possible childhoods. I am deeply in love with my husband and am very much still attracted to him.
There must be other mothers out there are struggling to find a good chunk of uninterrupted time to be intimate and wild? Other mums who are finding their sex drives down (way down) the bottom of their to-do lists? Finding that, sometimes, parenting young kids just doesn’t allow time and space for regular sex?
Does it return? Any advice? Please give me (and my husband) some hope, or at least let me know if you find my dust-covered sex drive. Maybe it’s camped out with yours somewhere?