Secrets of the Mummy Underground


If you’ve been getting your pregnancy 411 from the average parenting magazine, you will probably think
you are ready to have a baby if you:

  • Have a nursery set up
  • Have purchased or received everything on your baby registry list down to the butt wipe warmer,
  • the video surveillance baby monitor and the penis protector
  • Have a couple of good, sturdy nursing bras and some comfy yoga pants

Unfortunately, you are still missing out on a few pieces of critical information.

1. Your baby doesn’t give two tidlywinks about whether the walls in his nursery are lemon yellow
or tangerine orange. And if you are me, your baby will end up sleeping in your bedroom until
he’s six years old anyway. So do yourself a favour, shove the crib in the corner of your bedroom
and make yourself a nice Mum Cave instead. Or a swanky pimped-out laundry room with a large
screen TV, comfy chairs, a chocolate fondue machine (for extra energy) and lots of shelving.
Trust me. You’ll appreciate it a few months from now when you are face-to-face with the 250
loads of laundry you will now be doing each day for the next 18 years.
2. Fifty percent of the crap that you think you need before you have a baby is useless. I know. I
bought all of it. And then some. For example, while in theory the penis protector is a nice idea
(because who wants to get squirted in the face while changing a baby?), in reality there is really
nothing you can do to stop the onslaught of biohazard you are going to be exposed to over
the next decade or so. If you really want to get something to protect yourself, I recommend an
industrial strength biohazard suit with matching gas mask. (They make great baby shower gifts,
3. Take note. If you plan to nurse, wait until after the baby is born to buy your nursing bras.
Though you may already feel like you resemble Dolly Parton thanks to pregnancy hormones,
what you don’t realise is that your hooters may in fact quadruple in size the moment the baby
was born. Take it from me. Wait until after the baby is born to get yourself fitted for a nursing
bra. Otherwise you will spend $50 on a bra that is more likely to fit a Polly Pocket than you.
4. On the other hand, the purchase of yoga pants is a wise investment. While it is true that some
mums (think Kourtney Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow) manage to make it through the
newborn stage still wearing makeup, flirty tunics and skinny jeans, the rest of us are happy if we
make it out of our pjs most days.
5. No amount of physical preparation for your baby’s arrival is going to prepare you for the
psychological upheaval you will experience post-mommyhood. Becoming a mother changes you
so completely that certain things that once seemed so important become completely irrelevant
(for example…going out dancing all night long, getting a manicure, eating in nice restaurants,
eating in restaurants at all, eating while sitting down, daily showers, deodorant, ironing one’s
clothes, wearing high heels, wearing make-up, wearing anything but stained sweat pants…the
list goes on.) Never in my wildest dreams did I expect I would find myself several years into motherhood wearing mismatched house slippers and a T-shirt covered in peanut butter,
shouting loudly through the supermarket, “Please do not wipe your nose on that lady’s purse”
and “The pineapple display is not your personal jungle gym” and “Stop strangling your brother
with that jump rope.” On the other hand, neither did I expect this little drooling ball of giggles
and biohazard to revolutionize my life so much. Because even if no longer have the energy to
scrape the peanut butter and poo off myself most nights before I fall into bed, I never imagined
that cuddling up to a blanket stealing, kidney-kicking, , bed-hogging toddler would feel this