I won’t lie. When I heard that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with her first child, I got excited. The way some await the birth of a royal baby or a celebrity’s spawn, I’m excited for the birth of the heir to one of the most powerful political families in modern American history.
Since Chelsea is the child of a former President and a former Secretary of State and her husband Marc Mezvinsky is the son of two former members of Congress, their child will undoubtedly have savvy negotiation skills, a charming personality, and a future in politics.
But what else can we expect from Chelsea and Marc’s bundle of political joy. For fun, I’ve taken the liberty of making some assumptions about what their child is going to be like.
Name: As an homage to her parents Chelsea and Marc will decide to name their baby Billary, knowing the catchy name will look great on campaign posters as the two proud parents anticipate their baby’s inevitable run for office.
Birth: Billary arrives early, naturally. The nurses in labor/delivery comment that Billary is “the most charming” baby they’ve delivered to date.
Preschool: While other toddlers are biting and hair pulling, Billary is encouraging them to talk it out and immediately takes on the role of class negotiator. When there is controversy over which kid started the hair pulling, Billary denies any knowledge of the situation and continues playing.
Elementary School: Billary is a star student and is very popular with the other students. But the teachers have a hard time with Billary who always responds to the teachers requests by saying, “If you make me do that, I’ll give you a tax audit when I’m President someday.” Billary is forced to change schools four times before finally agreeing to listen to others without threatening an audit.
High School: Too smart for high school, Billary skips it all together and proceeds directly to the Electoral College. Billary finishes with honours and is even asked to make the valedictorian speech, but turns it down when the college won’t pay Billary’s very high speaking fee.
Career: Upon graduating college, Billary immediately runs for office and wins with a campaign slogan, “I have no experience, but my family does.” The election is a landslide.
Billary spends the next few decades in public office with an eventual win for President. So beloved. the American people move to change the Constitution to allow Biillary to serve more than two terms. Voted the most popular President in history, Billary eventually retires and passes time hanging out with close pals, Bono, Mick Jagger, and Grandpa Bill Clinton.