I have a toddler, and my life is infinitely more hilarious now that I have a constant form of entertainment. Seriously. This kid makes me laugh endlessly with her curiosity, blatant disregard for social norms, and her literal view of the world. One day, I was carrying a bunch of stuff in my arms, and I told her I couldn’t pick her up because I had no hands. She gave me a puzzled look and glanced very seriously at where my hands should be, but they were covered with multiple clothing items. “No hands?” she asked me in her tiny toddler voice, staring worriedly at her own hands. It took me a bit to understand that she literally thought my hands were gone. Endless entertainment, y’all.
She’s too young to ask, or really care where babies come from, but before I know it, the questions and comments will start rolling in, so I best be prepared now. I took to the Internet where mums are always willing to share the hysterical things their kids have said and asked them to question their three-year-olds on how they think the baby got in Mom’s tummy. Their answers are priceless.
“My niece asked my sister if it hurt when she came out of her butt.” —Amanda C.
“My daughter says that babies come from a movie. I’ll see if I can get clarification.” —Devon S.
“My three year old says babies come from beds and people hold them there.” —Jen P.
“My son hasn’t asked where babies come from, but he thinks I barfed up my last one.” —Julia F.
“She says it’s a twenty-minute car ride.” —Kimberly K.
“When my oldest was three, she got very excited that she was going to see a family member that was going to have a baby. When she showed up, my daughter was very disappointed that she didn’t have a baby with her. She asked where the baby was and I told her it was in Lisa’s tummy. Her eyes got wide and she said, ‘She ate the whole baby?’” —Michael B.
“My daughter says babies come from God when the mummies are ready. He doesn’t wait for daddies ‘cause they can take longer.” —Sara R.
“My daughter was about three when she found out that some babies are born vaginally—both my surviving children were C-sections and they understand the doctors helped pull them out. It didn’t occur to me that she didn’t know about vaginal births. But when I explained, she was horrified, looked down at her crotch, and burst into tears declaring she would never have a baby come out there. Serious mum fail right there. I’ve tried to educate her much better now! But in fourth grade, she made a book and proudly told the teacher all about vaginal births, so there’s that.” —Jill S.
“It was eight years ago now, but back then our three-year-old told us the doctor dug his new sister out of my belly with a golden spoon.” —Sarah D.
“Special stork mamas, my daughter says. Her baby brother was a product of a gestational surrogate. She went to all the appointments with me and “stork mama” and got to hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasounds. But ask her when she is tired and sassy and she’ll tell you out of a mom’s butt.” —Loren S.
“My son knew you needed a seed from a Mum and a seed from a Dad to make a baby. He had no clue where the seeds came from—he had never asked that level of detail. One day he asked me, ‘Mommy, is it gross when Daddy puts the seed in your mouth to give you a baby?’ What the hell, kid?” —Audrey M.
“Dunno! Lemme see!” —3-year-old Brittany
photo via Getty