25 Things You’ll Find in a Toddler Mom’s Purse

Remember before kids, when you’d shove a credit card, mobile phone and lip gloss into a tiny clutch that matched your outfit and head out on the town? Those were the days.

Now that you’re a mum, chances are your handbag is more like Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag, except instead of containing an enchanted potted plant and hat stand, it’s got everything needed to head off (or wait out) a toddler meltdown.

And I do mean everything.

The apocalypse could come and my handbag and I would be bunker ready. My tote is so packed with weird stuff, it weighs roughly the same as my child, which actually helps me balance when I’m carrying both.

If you reached into my purse–which I don’t recommend if you have any open wounds–you’d find all of these things and more:

  1. A half-eaten lollipop covered in a fine dusting of Goldfish cracker crumbs that I promised to “save for later”
  2. Sunscreen that is SPF 50, non-aerosol, oxybenzone and paraben free, and more expensive than my average haircut
  3. A box of princess Band-Aids with only Anna left, because everybody wants to be Elsa
  4. Punch cards for 5 different ice cream and frozen yoghurt shops
  5. Toy cars, a magic wand and bubbles for throwing when angry
  6. A decomposing apple
  7. Used Kleenex
  8. A few teaspoons of sand
  9. A tiny flashlight for my kid to shine directly into my eyes, especially when I’m driving
  10. An empty bottle of hand sanitizer
  11. Wipes, wipes and more wipes
  12. A lifetime supply of underwear, because that 3-day potty training is taking more like 6 months
  13. A leak-proof straw bottle that is currently leaking everywhere
  14. Phone with a cracked face from when toddler threw it
  15. Broken crayons and dried out markers
  16. A masterpiece scrawled on a napkin
  17. A totally used up Starbucks gift card that I can’t seem to throw away because it reminds me of coffee
  18. Raisins, nuts, cut-up fruit and other untouched healthy snacks that were rejected in favour of cookies
  19. An extra outfit to replace the one that gets soaked while jumping in muddy puddles (thanks a lot, Peppa)
  20. Another extra outfit because that car sick phase might not actually be a phase
  21. A bib with yesterday’s lunch still rotting in the pocket
  22. Reading glasses, because changing tiny toy batteries is making me go blind
  23. A souvenir penny that cost me a dollar and is now worthless
  24. Rocks
  25. Lip gloss, because I may be a mum but I’m not an animal