9 Reasons I’d Freak If My Husband Said “We’re Pregnant”

I was super annoyed recently when Mila Kunis suggested that natural birth is the "right" way to have a baby. I'm 31-weeks-pregnant with baby #2, and I say there is no "right" way to have a baby; the goal is to get the baby out safely. Period.

But I'm pretty much over that. This week I'm Team Mila, because I loved her "public service announcement" on Jimmy Kimmel Live!  Tuesday. In fact, I thought it was brilliant.

Kunis, who is expecting her first baby with fiance Ashton Kutcher later this year, wasn't thrilled when the comedian claimed: "My wife and I are pregnant. We are having a baby very soon, as well."

In response she pulled out a mic and began a rant for "all you soon-to-be-fathers."

"Stop saying 'we're pregnant,'" she said. "You're not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No."

Of course she's right. Here are nine more reasons any guy out there whose partner is expecting a baby should never say "we''re pregnant." For the record, Chris would never say such a thing — at least not in front of me, with my raging third- trimester hormones…

photo (10) Big everything (in 80-plus-degree heat)
​Yep, that's me (left) right now! My belly is giant…and so are my butt, hips, and thighs. It's sort of like I swallowed a watermelon and then it expanded in multiple directions instead of straight out. My uterus is so big I can feel it jabbing my boobs. Chris? He looks better than ever.

Food aversions
I couldn't even smell coffee for the first 16 weeks of this pregnancy; one wiff and I'd be running for the bathroom. That's four months without my morning java fix. Four months of caffeine headaches in addition to morning all-day sickness. My sympathetic husband stopped brewing the good stuff at home…but, oh yeah, he still enjoyed it.

Sixteen weeks later, now that I can tolerate savor my coffee, it gives me brutal heartburn. In fact, everything that I eat causes that relentless burning sensation. But I'm still so hungry that I eat anyway and then thank god later antacids. Has Chris ever even had heartburn? Nope!

Sober nights
I love wine; in fact, I was travel editor for a wine magazine several years ago, and now I'm a complete wine geek. When I'm not pregnant, our lives revolve around amazing food-and-wine experiences. Now that I'm expecting, it's mocktail city. To his credit, in a sign of solidarity, Chris only rarely drinks wine now. But the point is that he can, as much as he wants, anytime he wants. He can even have a shot (or three) of tequila if feels like it.

Stretch marks
Do guys even know what those are? I doubt it — and my hips are jealous.

Bump rubbers/gawkers
Random strangers have felt completely comfortable rubbing my baby bump (and sometimes even saying rude things to me) during this pregnancy. I know the bump-rubbers mean well — They're excited for me! — but having a stranger feel me up is just icky. They walk away but I still feel their hot little hands on my belly. As far as I know, nobody has ever rubbed Chris' stomach.

Any woman who is super pregnant in summer knows exactly what I mean. They're big, they're ugly, and they're definitely not happening to our husbands.

Chris conks out the minute his head hits the pillow — but pop a baby in his belly and rearrange his abdominal organs, and I'm betting that he'd be up at 3 a.m. chomping on antacids, reading a book, and cursing yet another sleepless night just like I am.

Pelvic pain and other aches
There's no way to sugar coat this: My pelvic bone feels like it's going to crack in half at any minute. Like, I could be walking down the street and the baby will just fall out. It even hurts to walk across the room in my tiny apartment. Luckily I have a belt that helps ease the discomfort…but I'm pretty sure Chris isn't borrowing it for kicks.