Whoever started the nasty rumor that mums don’t like to have sex has clearly never met me, or any of the mums I know. We may have less time for sex, but we certainly don’t have less of a desire for it. But, it’s fair to say that sex definitely changes after you’ve had kids. It’s not just lack of time or energy or the changes in your body, it’s also the fact a human being or more have come out of the same place the hubs is about to get to work.
Don’t get me wrong, Mum Sex can still rock your world. It’ll probably just happen quicker and with the lights a little lower. So if you thought you were the only one begging for a quickie or making a to-do list while you and the husband get down, you’re not alone. Here are 10 ways you know you’re having Mum Sex.
1. You beg for a quickie. If the hubs even said the word “quickie” prior to having kids you’d sulk saying, “What about me?” But now that you’ve had kids, the word quickie is music to your ears. After all, there’s hours of laundry to do, not to mention that episode of “The Bachelorette” you taped.
2. Totally naked sex is out of the question. In your mind, it’s a lot easier to explain what’s going on in mum and dad’s room if you’ve got some clothing on. So totally naked sex is out of the question, at least until the kids go to the sleepover at grandma’s house next weekend.
3. Your new motto is, “Touch anything but the boobs.” Once you’ve breastfed a few human beings, it can be pretty hard to see your boobs as sexy. Even if your husband misses your boobs, you’d just prefer he grab something other than your baby’s former restaurant.
4. When you hear the hubs say, “Who’s your Daddy?” you throw up a little in your mouth. All you can hear is your child’s voice saying to your husband, “You are!” It’s the ultimate buzzkill that creates some seriously creepy mental images that you’d prefer not to have while getting busy with your man.
5. Every 10 seconds you ask for a sex pause, sure you’ve heard the kids roaming. Even if your kids haven’t woken up in the night in months, you’ll still hear them calling your name at least a hundred times while you’re having sex. You won’t need to stop, you’ll just need a pause just to make sure the kids aren’t calling for you.
6. Even while having sex, you can multitask. It doesn’t mean you’re not into it or that your husband isn’t working his magic, but any mum will tell you she can create a full day’s to-do list, plan a family holiday, and make a mental note to schedule a haircut appointment — all while getting it on.
7. You’ll do the most elaborate yoga sex pose just to avoid the bad tummy angles. No matter how good a mum looks, chances are her stomach doesn’t look the same as it did before she had kids. And while your husband doesn’t care, you do and you’ll do anything to avoid positions that accentuate your chub. It’s amazing how limber a girl can get when she’s trying to avoid her stomach looking like a Shar Pei.
8. During sex, you accidentally call your husband by your obstetrician’s name. It’s not that you have the hots for your doctor. It’s just that he’s been up in your business a zillion times.
9. You skip the gym on sex days. All that huffing and puffing has to burn some calories, right? Mum Sex may not always be magical, but it’s usually exhausting, so why not count it as a day at the gym?
10. Your hub’s first words when he sees you naked are, “Oh, I see the ‘70s are back.” Time is a hot commodity and anything frivolous usually gets cut from a mum’s schedule. So while you used to keep your lady garden perfectly trimmed with regular trips to the waxing salon, nowadays you just don’t have the time. Your bush may look like a bush, but that hour you would have spent getting waxed is exactly the reason why you have time to bump uglies with your man right now.
And while Mum Sex might be quicker than sex in our pre-baby days, it’s still an important part of any relationship. And the best news is that your husband doesn’t mind and probably hasn’t noticed. He’s just glad he’s getting some.
More juicy goodness:
- 7 reasons why morning sex is the best sex
- 10 things I wish my husband would just do (an open letter)
- 7 best sex positions for conception