Dear Husband —
I still haven’t seen that Melissa McCarthy movie I wanted to see last year. You know, Tammy? Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to see it. I’m still not quite over the time I asked you to go see The Heat and you laughed for hours and told me you’d be happy to go see it, “When hell freezes over.” Clearly you forgot that I’ve spent over 722 hours watching action movies with you and only just recently found out we weren’t watching the same movie each time. But I’d bet you’d go see it, if you knew that a guy seeing a chick-flick is a sex sure-thing.
It’s not a case of tit for tat. More accurately, we ladies like to feel like we have a partner in life. We find that attractive. And dare I say it’s a bit of a turn on? When we feel like you’re on our team, we want to repay you with couch sex or a fun game of “touch and grab” in the car. So since you missed the boat on The Heat and you’re clueless when it comes to Tammy, I thought I’d enlighten about the 10 things you could do to get lucky pretty much whenever you want.
1. Let me sleep in once in a while. You know how you thanked me for letting you sleep in? I didn’t let you sleep in. You just slept in and I got up with the kids. Maybe I’d have more energy for sex if I weren’t living on four hours of sleep.
2. Listen to my dumb story (yes, even though you’ve already heard it). I’m not actually looking for a solution nor do I want you to remind me that you’ve heard the story already. Just listen and tell me whoever I’m mad at is wrong. #turnon
3. Get new boxers. I know you think women aren’t visually stimulated, but we are. So you know those boxers with the hole in them? Throw them out! They’re scaring my vagina!
4. Help around the house (in a way that’s actually helpful). Sure, I love when you wash the dishes, but I hate it when you don’t wash all of them. Remember, the more you help out, the more time I have and the more sex you’ll have.
5. Go to dinner with my friends. This includes the ones whose husbands are boring. Suck it up. Dessert will be waiting for you at home.
6. Give me quiet time. Don’t say, “Let’s have sex” the second the kids go to sleep. I need a few minutes of quiet time to transition from mum to human. Ask me in half an hour. Trust me, my reaction will be very different.
7. Notice my haircut or new outfit. If I’m making an effort to look pretty or working hard at the gym, take the time to notice. No woman wants to have sex when she feels fat, ugly or invisible. So remind me that I’m not.
8. Don’t count how many days it’s been since we’ve had sex. In return, I’ll promise not to count how many days it’s been since you’ve put the kids to bed.
9. Connect with me throughout the day. I want to be seduced and desired. So call me a few times during the day for no other reason than to hear how I am or to ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Save the transactional emails or calls for another day.
10. Make sex fun. Remember, I’ve been with you just as many years as you’ve been with me. Contrary to popular belief, women do get bored too. Spice it up, mister. Sex is supposed to be fun.
So while you may not want to go see Tammy, hopefully you see how important it is to me that we connect and that I feel like we’re a team. Oh and by the way, nice boxers! New?
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