Our bodies were designed with two feed sacks built right in, so you’d think this whole breastfeeding thing would be pretty straightforward, right? Well, my darlings: think again.
Breastfeeding can screw with your mind and your sensitive little headlights in ways you never dreamed of. But, in the end, I think it’s at least worth a good old college try. Those of us who did manage (with some help) to get it to work not only bonded with our babies, but also with each other. Because, really now, who else can understand what it’s like to be chewed on by a hairless screaming bird who wants his dairy fix?
Here are some things that those of us who rode the mama’s milk train can all say we know for sure about breastfeeding:
1. Babies can give you a purple nurple without ever using their hands.
2. Just because “it’s natural” doesn’t mean it’s effortless.
3. Your nipples can dress up in clear sombreros if the mood strikes them.
4. It is startling the first time a lactation consultant reaches for your boob to fix things, but even more startling is how quickly you get used to this stranger man-handling your sweater puppets in front of at least two witnesses.
5. The downward rippling mini breast-electrocution feeling is actually a good thing.
6. People who insist that breastfeeding is “so easy” when you are struggling with it deserve a taco karate chop.
7. It’s possible to love Lansinoh more than you love your husband.
8. Smelling your baby’s head can make you leak. So can hearing someone else’s baby cry in the distance. So can waiting three seconds too long in between feedings.
9. Throughout your life people will compliment your boobs, appreciate your boobs, recommend clothing cut to show off your boobs, until you use them to breastfeed: Then people around you become terrified and beg you to hide them.
10. If someone tells you to put cabbage in your bra to help your mastitis, you will not question them. Not even for a second.
11. A thrush is both a lovely little bird with a loud song, and an oral yeast infection that your baby will try to force into your busted nip while you dry-heave at the thought of your sweet widdle baybay having a yeast infection in her mouth.
12. Remember when Zeus gave birth to Athena through his smashed-open skull after a massive headache? That’s what it feels like to nurse with cracked nipples.
13. The ever-changing and very limited list of things you can eat depending on the time of day because your diet affects whether the baby sleeps/cries/doesn’t make you insane.
14. How pissed off off being forced to nurse in a bathroom can make you.
15. How thrilled being shown a clean, quiet, comfortable breastfeeding room in a public place can make you.
16. The elation of seeing your baby get fat enough to have neck folds full of stank-ass smelling spoiled milk all because of your ta-tas.
17. Your teats’ way of telling you they’re enjoying the warm shower is by coating the shower walls with milk.
18. A Boppy is your BFF because how else can you comfortably surf the web while your kid eats all night long?
19. All outfit decisions are based on this thought: How accessible are my boobs and will milk easily wash out of it?
20. Sometimes toothless babies are more alligatorish than ones with teeth.
21. Sometimes the first tooth = OMG TIME TO WEAN! IT’S BEEN FUN KID — LOVE YA, MEAN IT — ‘BYE!
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