The other day, my daughter and I were talking about my wedding. She’s a 5-year-old girlie girl and likes to ask about the flowers and the music and the cake and (mostly) she wants to know what my dress looked like. I thought my dress was awesome, so I decided to get out a photo album and show her a few pictures. In my mind, this was going to be one of those quintessential mother-daughter moments where she’d swoon over the dress and I’d tell her, “One day this dress will be yours, sweetie,” and she’d say, “Aw, Mummy, I’m so lucky.” Cut to the harsh reality of my daughter scrutinising the prized white dress I wore on the-most-important-day-of-my-life. “What?” I asked, my ego deflating, “You don’t like it?” My daughter scrunched her nose up at me and shook her head. “Sorry mum, but you look horrible in that.”
It sounds worse than it is. I mean, she didn’t mean to be mean. She just thought my dress was boring because — I don’t know — it didn’t have wings and a rainbow sash and Elsa cape attached. I get it, white dresses are boring if you’re 5, but I took my daughter’s hand and calmly told her that she had kind of hurt my feelings. She said she was sorry, and went back to her colouring book.
In hindsight, it’s kind of a hilarious story to tell, and I know (I think?) she wasn’t trying to intentionally scar me for life. But both of my kids have done plenty of mean things to me without even realising it. From physical to emotional to psychological abuse, I am a human punching bag. I get plenty of love, but I get beat down and berated, too. Here is a list of just a few of the cruelties I’ve all had to endure as a mum. Let me know what I missed!
1. Pinch my nipples
My son does this when he is breastfeeding and it hurts like a b*tch! I try to get him to stop but his pudgy little fingers just gravitate to my free boob no matter what.
2. Say my breath stinks
There’s nothing sweeter than leaning close to your little and whispering, “I love you,” and having her reply, “Ew, what did you eat?”
3. Point out a pimple
“Mummy, what’s that on your chin?” Yeah, thanks Nancy Drew.
4. Tell me the food I cook is gross
Okay, fine. You think my food is gross? Make your own dinner, whingy-pants!
6. Say “I love Daddy more.”
This one cuts like a knife. After all I do for my kids, when Daddy walks in the door and they run to smother him in hugs and kisses, well, it kinda sucks.
7. Diss my clothes
On the bright side, it’s probably better to have my kids tell me that shirt is ugly than have a stranger think it.
8. Hate on my haircut
Mum is supposed to look exactly the same for all eternity. I learned that the hard way after getting a pretty drastic haircut and having my daughter greet me with, “I hate it.”
9. Splash me with water
What bath is complete without getting completely drenched? They don’t do it to be mean… but at the end of a long day, it’s annoying.
10. Wipe their dirty hands on my clothes
Who needs napkins on burger night if you’ve got Mum and her clean jeans right beside you?
11. Head butt me
My 1-year-old does this constantly. I’m surprised we’re still conscious.
12. Treat me like a human vending machine
My daughter doesn’t say “Hi, how are you?” or “I love you, Mum!” when I pick her up from school. She says, “Snack.” Just a one-word demand. I feel so special.
13. Bite me
It’s all fun and games until I’ve got a teeth-shaped bruise on my arm.
14. Wake up in the middle of the night
What kind of cruel, heartless bastard wakes up in the middle of the night when I want to get a full night’s sleep?
More Mum Truths:
- How I Talk Myself Out of Having Another Baby
- All the Things I Secretly Do When My Kids Aren’t Looking
- Why Every Photo Mums Post on Facebook Is ‘Wrong’