School is a wonderful thing for our kids. It feeds their brains with knowledge, their hearts with friendships, and their mums with a little free time each day. The only tricky bit? Getting our kids up and out the door to get there. As much as our delightful offspring adore heading to those big brick boxes of awesome, it takes an intricate dance of preparation, optimism and creativity to get them there before tardy slips are handed out. And it goes a little something like this:
1. You will need anywhere from 45 to 1,000 minutes to get your kids ready for school on time, so prepare accordingly.
2. Mary Poppins ain’t got nuthin’ on you when it comes to being organised and chipper in the morning, despite not having had a good night’s sleep in a decade.
3. Kids view the shrill call of their alarm clock as a mere suggestion to maybe get up — but only if they are, by chance, in the mood to do so.
4. The best part of having zombies for kids upon waking is that they’re too weak to deflect all the extra kisses and hugs you love to give them when they’re groggily warm and cuddly.
5. Despite having the same exact routine 180 days of the year every year, your kids will forget what they need to do to get ready. They will flail like fluffy baby birds trying to leave the nest for the first time, desperately in need of your guidance. (But oh, do you have better plans than worms for breakfast?)
6. Morning showers are not an option. This is why baby wipes were invented.
7. Completed homework will have mysteriously fallen out of their backpacks and into the used litter box/hamper of wet towels/toy box overnight, but don’t worry: it will be found once everyone is walking out the door.
8. Glorious creations like breakfast muffins hold a special place in your heart for being just as good a multi-tasker and time-saver as you are.
9. There will be a fleeting quiet moment when you catch everyone together around the table and feel gratitude deep in your belly.
10. This will be interrupted by one of your kids making you laugh so hard that coffee comes out of your nose.
11. Kids have dozens of impressively imaginative ways to pretend they brushed their teeth.
12. You have let them get away with it just to save precious time.
13. One kid will have a longer goodbye routine for the cat than she will with you. This would bother you if it wasn’t so ridiculously adorable to witness.
14. One kid will put on pants with obvious signs of a sandpit struggle smeared on it.
15. One kid will forget to put on pants.
16. There is a 50-50 chance of any hair getting brushed. Unless it’s Crazy Hair Day, then this is the only thing that will happen for the first 45 minutes of that kid’s morning.
17. At least one kid will outgrow his shoes overnight, which makes you want to stop time.
18. The kid who outgrew his shoes overnight will have to say, “Stop hugging me so tight Mum! Are you crying? You’re so weird.”
19. As soon as you’re done being all weepy over your babies growing up too quickly, you’ll get back to asking everyone if they have everything they need (in very detailed checklist format and while counting down exactly how many minutes they have left to get ready).
20. Once your kids walk out the door, your kitchen will smell like sweet heaven but look like a train wreck.
21. You wouldn’t want it any other way.
More mum truths:
- What Date Night Is Really Like As a Mum (in Memes)
- I’m Not Just Raising a Son, I’m Raising Someone’s Future Husband
- What it Feels Like to Parent a Hyperactice Child