I’m not the jealous type, but I do confess that I’ve pondered how easy cavewomen had it, back in their day. Those lucky ladies’ mornings consisted of waking up, throwing on a stain-resistant pelt, and watching their naked toddlers maniacally dash in circles around their little dwelling carved out of rock as they prepared a breakfast of whatever was left over from dinner the night before (probably laying right over there on a separate piece of rock). Sure, they were all in constant threat of fist-sized dino-bugs and meteors or whatever, but the simplicity of toddler mum life without morning To Do lists (and with the social acceptability of not wearing pants in public) sounds pretty awesome to me.
The pressure to do things like wash up, eat a healthy meal, and get dressed before we leave our homes with our toddlers now is SO EXHAUSTING. For a better understanding of what it’s like, here is what us modern women can expect while getting ready with them in the morning:
1. An adorable inquisitor will accompany you while you take your morning pee.
2. That inquisitor will then avoid the bathroom like it’s surrounded by an invisible dog fence when you try to get him to go pee.
3. You will yell, “Get your finger out of there,” “Don’t lick that,” and, “Get off of that” within 30 minutes of waking.
4. You will be proud that you’re raising a thoughtful human who ponders the many wonders of the world and yearns for more knowledge right up until the 612th, “Why, Mama?” of your morning.
5. A feisty barista-in-training will dangerously assist you while you make your coffee.
6. That assistant will then lose her mind if you try to help her not spill her own drink on herself.
7. The more hands you need to do something—like apply eyeliner or a bra—the more likely your toddler will insist you carry her.
8. She will make you laugh out loud right when you’re starting to get annoyed with her antics.
9. An unblinking chatterbox will monitor your shower.
10. That chatterbox will then have all the excuses as to why he doesn’t have to clean up before he leaves the house.
11. She will wear the same dress she wears every other day and that’s cool because some arguments are worth losing (plus you now own three duplicates of that dress).
12. You will say, “Uh-HUH” 476,812 times without meaning it.
13. The hair-brushing she begged you to continue yesterday will result in screams of bloody murder today.
14. His breakfast will be placed on the kitchen table yet end up in at least three other rooms, on one other person, and in the pet’s cage.
15. Your breakfast will only be half-eaten and done so while standing up.
16. The cleanest item of clothing you have on will be used as a tissue for gobs of electric-green snot.
17. He will somehow make you swoon with love right when you don’t have time to waste staring at your offspring all teary-eyed.
18. You will brush your teeth to model proper hygiene as she brushes hers, yet mostly teach your children how deeply toddler toothpaste can embed into your shirts.
19. When you check to see if your phone is charged and ready to go, it will open to a smattering of new photos of his belly button and/or tonsils.
20. The locating and application of toddler shoes consumes 68 to 85 percent of your morning, every morning, no matter how much needs to get done before you leave the house.
21. Socks can ruin an entire day.
More mum truths: