Hot dogs are the one food you can count on kids eating. Most of us have a packet of frankfurts ready to go in the fridge at any time.
When you need dinner on the quick, hot dogs are there. When you are too tired to even think about a meal with more than two ingredients—dog, bun—hot dogs are there. Even when you’re out and about, hot dogs are there! They are being served at all of your local street fairs, festivals, carnivals, BBQs, sports concession stands, bowling alleys, skating rinks, markets, theme parks and Wendys.
Lunch or dinner, grilled or microwaved, or when it’s 7:49 in the pm and the kids’ last meal was a banana at 2:14, hot dogs remind you that your culinary giddy up has given up, and they don’t care. Hot dogs DGAF. Hot dogs aren’t judging you. Hot dogs, legend has it, are made of cow noses and pig butts. What does a hot dog have to prove? Nothing. It’s the only food that that is consistently partnered with everyone’s least favourite condiment: yellow mustard.
As the wise philosopher and total beach bum, Aristotle, once said, “Hot dogs say, What can I tell you, kids? Mum’s all out of give a sh*ts.”
But if you’re feeling a bit bored by your everyday hot dog, fear not! There are so many new and exciting ways to serve a frankfurt. No, not hot dog pie (let’s pray that’s not a thing) or frankfurters en flambé (yes, we mean in flames over a campfire).
Here are 28 classic ways to serve hot dogs:
1. With perfect grill marks that your kids will think are gross.
2. Boiled because you forgot to pick up charcoal.
3. Brushed off after falling in the grass because you told your kid to hold the picnic plate with two hands but what the hell do you know? You’ve only been carrying hot dogs on plates for the last 31 years.
4. In a bun that your child won’t eat, but will insist on having.
5. With relish.
6. With tomato sauce.
7. With mustard.
8. With whatever your kid asked to have on it and then later decided was “bis-gusting,” so you ate it because of course you did.
9. With a side of ennui because how many effing times are we going to have hot dogs this weekend?
10. At a family BBQ, to that guy your sister started dating who wears a wife beater, no matter the occasion, no matter the temperature
11. At a school fete where you were recruited to man the hot dog station with the new mum who wants to tell you about this holiday timeshare you should really get in on.
12. For breakfast because you have a fridge full of leftover hot dogs from the school fete and someone’s going to eat these damn things, dammit.
13. For $9 a dog at a football game your children are begging to leave.
19. Without pride, because you can’t be bothered to cook real food.
20. On a boat.
21. On a float.
22. To a goat…whoops, nope, that’s your toddler making bad choices at the petting zoo.
23. While camping and wishing you had booked a hotel.
24. To a crying child who asked for a hamburger.
25. As kransky, hot dog’s chubby cousin, because you cannot eat another mother-loving hot dog.
26. To someone who insists on calling it a “frank.”
27. To someone who is named Frank.
28. As a substitute for whatever it was you planned on serving but burned beyond recognition on the barbecue.
More mum truths: