There are two unavoidable truths to having babies. The first is that once you have a baby in you, they will need to come out. The second is that once they are out — and have quite likely wreaked havoc on certain parts of you that you prefer to handle a bit more delicately than they did during their eruption from your womb — you will eventually need to use a toilet. This seems like no big deal in the grand scheme of all things related to baby-making, –brewing, and –birthing, but oooooh, honey. It is very much a BFD.
Not long after you’ve cooed at your sweet baby’s delicious face, someone will pop on by to let you know that the jug of water is right here if you need it, warm socks are just over there, and girl you better brace yourself because going to the toilet cannot be avoided forever. Many of us have been caught off-guard by this, left alone in our rooms to think panicked thoughts like, They really want me to get up? Now? HAVE THEY LOST THEIR MINDS I JUST HAD A BABY. You can tell which of us by how we show up to your baby showers with crotch-shaped ice packs, foam ring cushions and bottles of numbing spray. Don’t be like us. Pack the supplies we suggested for you and read through this list of what you can expect during that first tinkle trip. Because knowing is half the battle.
1. You will nod patronisingly at the nurse who tells you to call her when it’s time to use the bathroom because you’re confident that you’ll never have to use a bathroom again since it felt like everything you ever had — or ever will have — inside you poured out of your hot pocket in front of a live audience not moments ago.
2. Your bladder will fill quicker than you can say, “I just want to close my eyes for a minute.”
3. The toilet can be within arm’s reach yet look miles away from your spot on the bed. This will make you cry.
4. Popping a stitch in the most delicate of places jumps right up into the first place slot of Things You Now Fear More Than Anything.
5. Your phone exists solely to thank people for their comments on how cute your new baby is and Google whether you will ever be able to pee normally again after using a catheter because overreacting is kind of your thing now. (Welcome to parenthood!)
6. You will feel more comfortable about moving off the mattress protector for this journey if you put on a super-absorbent overnight pad that starts at your belly button and ends somewhere around the vicinity of your shoulder blades.
7. Going from laying down in bed to sitting up to pee after a C-Section isn’t bad if you’re totes cool with the sensation of feeling like you’re about to tear yourself in two with a hot poker.
8. Going from having your legs on the bed in front of you to twisting to throw them over the side so you can stand to pee after a vaginal birth isn’t bad if you’re totes cool with the sensation of having your great divide attacked with a staple gun.
9. No new mum breathes during the trip from the bed to the toilet.
10. But they do use their mouths for things that can be described as growls, panicked pterodactyl calls and soundless screams.
11. Someone will insist on joining you in the bathroom, which will either comfort you greatly (to the point of tears) or make you want to throttle them with a soap dispenser (to the point of rage-cursing).
12. A peri bottle waiting by the sink is like a gift from the honey pot gods.
13. A peri bottle full of warm — but not hot — water waiting by the sink will make you want to French kiss the nurse who put it there for you.
14. Remember that scene in The Shining when the boy looks at the elevators hoping his intuition that something might be amiss is wrong and then blood rushes from them, pouring down the hallway, covering the walls and drowning everything there? That’s exactly what happens the first time you take your mesh panties off to pee.
15. You vow to never again make another joke about the “old lady handle” next to the toilet.
16. Squatting is not an option.
17. Neither is thinking about how many DNA-shedding asses have sat on that toilet before you.
18. Up until this point, you assumed your main goal is life was to be a good mother to a wonderful child, The End. Now that you are perilously perched over a recovery room toilet with your inside falling into it and wobbly legs and tuggy stitches, you need nothing more than to aim that warm stream of water from the peri bottle onto your pulsating exterior plumbing while you pee without passing out from the fire that biological need ignites. That is your only goal now. THE ONLY ONE.
19. The word “wipe” can fill you with terror.
20. You have painted entire rooms in your home more quickly than you will be able to finish up and exit that bathroom. But humming the tune of Great Green Globs of Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts while dealing with the mess does help make the task pass by more pleasantly.
21. By the time you get back into bed after that ordeal, you have decided that the act of actually pooing is something you absolutely will not do until you are completely healed in about six weeks AND THAT’S THAT.
More mum confessions:
- What it Feels to Go Out at Night, Now That I’m a Mum
- Why I Refuse to Make My Daughter Give Up Her Dummy
- 12 Ways My Toddler Is Slowly Trying to Kill Me