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I knew I wanted to become a mum in the depths of my soul ever since I was in high school. For the most part, my vision was very different than the reality and I’m not just talking about sleepless nights– no one really let me know how gross being a mum can be.
I’ve never been squeamish but, there are things I’ve done since having kids that make me want to throw up in my mouth; very bad things; things I’d never, ever do for anyone other than my own offspring.
So Much Poo
I have no shame though, zero. I’m sure you can relate– we would do anything for our babes and yes, that includes pulling a poo out of their two-year-old constipated butt if we have to. Especially if your son is so uncomfortable and afraid of what’s happening to his body he asks you to “just grab it, Mama, grab it and get it out now!”
Mums are not strangers to picking their kids up and rushing them to the bathroom at the first “I think I’m gonna puke, Ma” look. And you know what else isn’t foreign to us? Getting projectile vomit in our mouth as we dare ask them if they are okay.
You learn really fast to press your lips together if you are in vomit-catching range of a sick child.
Booger scraping is a monthly ritual you have to do now, because to kids, everything is a damn tissue: The walls, the windowsill, the holiday wreath. Those suckers take the paint of a wall if you aren’t careful so they have to be soaked first, if you will.
Having to get a new sofa because the old one is covered in pee might be the leading cause among parents dishing out the money for a new place to sit and watch television, pass out, and stare at the ceiling while they are being used as a human bouncy house.
You’re Gonna Smell A Lot Of Butts
And smelling a butt? It doesn’t even phase you if you’ve been a mum for over a month. Not while you are sitting on the throat yourself, not during dinner time, and not the first thing in the morning. Smelling an ass becomes almost as normal as breathing.
Kids Have Hiding Places
Let’s talk about the hidden gems found in bellybuttons for a bit, shall we? Those little crevices can get dirty and infected, especially if our tiny tots decide to put things like gum, milk, or peanut butter in there and let it simmer. Believe you me, I’ve had a child do this and it’s not pretty.
Also, how the hell do they think up this crap?
Snot By The Gallon
Snot removal becomes an exciting week night event and gives parents of the world more pleasure than they care to admit. I know some are #teamgag when it comes to removing our babies’ mucus, but some are #teamdeeplysatisfied.
Your Poor Car
Cleaning out our car goes from job we hate to a job we are literally petrified of. We find things back there no person should have to smell, touch, or identify. I once found a half eaten peach that had been living in my car for months and it was covered in silly putty. I have no idea.
Scooping turds out of a bathtub is always good for our hand-eye coordination. In fact, my youngest did this every time he took a bath and it was damn near impossible for me to catch those things at the first try.
Before you know it, you’ve contaminated the bathing water and you don’t know what the hell to wash first: your child or the tub.
And the fresh hell that comes from them learning to wipe their own bum is enough to make you want to burn down the bathroom ( hopefully that’s where they are when they try to attempt this epic task) but hey, they need to learn somehow, right?
So, most of us have visions of holding our babe in swaddling clothing while they are all sweet and precious and smelling really good for the simple fact we don’t know about all the disgusting-ness that lies ahead.
In case you were wondering: I now have three teens and it gets so much worse.