I love my girlfriends — especially my single-mother besties because they know what the hell is up and can read through my despair in an instant. They’ve been my crutch through my divorce and have saved me many-a-night when I would have sat at home alone feeling sorry for myself if they hadn’t talked me into fries and wine.
Our weekly lunches have been something I’ve looked forward to for the past three years. I have no idea what I’d do without long gabbing sessions over sushi and seared Brussels sprouts.
As much as I love and miss them dearly– it’s been over a month since I’ve seen a friend in real life– I’m having trouble mustering up the desire to talk to them.
It’s not because of anything they’ve done. I honestly feel like half the person I used to be before COVID-19 came in and swept my personality away. I literally have no new news to report and don’t want to bore them with the details of how I went for a run, did some work, then tried to find the energy to run the vacuum or do the dishes.
I’m a Debbie-Downer and I can’t even pretend to be cheery or to have hope right now. It feels as unhealthy as it sounds. I know I’m not alone in this. I also know misery loves company but I feel like my mouth is wanting to stay in a straight line and my face won’t allow any expressions regardless of how hard I try.
Not the good. Not the bad. Not even the super irritable and frustrated which is my jam right now.
It feels as though even if I wanted to talk the words wouldn’t come out anyway. My energy reserves have been sucked dry. I think someone came and stole my personality because it’s nowhere to be found.
I’m slogging through my days, just as all mums of the world are right now. And I’ve lost the fire in my belly to talk about this pandemic and how crazy it feels. I don’t care to brainstorm ideas on how to make this better right now. I don’t even have the energy to vent some of my anxiety about what this is doing to everyone’s financial future.
With the news changing so fast each day I can’t keep up. I tune in for a half hour, get the daily facts and then I don’t want to talk or think about COVID-19 for the rest of the day. I’ve found when I do indulge, I get even angrier and I’m tired of putting myself through that.
And really, what else is there to talk about right now? I almost feel silly if I try and talk about something else even if a change of subject may be needed. The times I’ve tried, it felt so foreign and wrong, I had to stop.
So, I’m at a loss right now. I don’t want to lose social ties with my girlfriends because I know it’s not healthy. I also wonder if talking a little more regularly will help me come out of this misery I can’t seem to pull myself from.
But for now, I don’t want to speak. I can’t seem to find the will to talk to anyone and instead of guilting myself into it and telling myself I’m doing more harm than good to my mental health, I just have to go with it.
I know I’ll crawl out of it when I am ready and all I can do is hope my mojo comes back sooner than later. Maybe all I need is a glass of wine and salty fries to pull me out of it.
It’s worth a try. Or seven.
More Mum Confessions:
- All the Reasons Why My Kid’s Friends Stress Me Out
- Everyone Is Being So Productive Right Now And I Am Paralyzed
- My Son Is a Noisy Eater and It Grosses Me Out